Episode 51: Strike the Tent

“GUILTY!” The network reporter proclaimed. “In a repudiation of hate and transphobia, transphobe teacher Mike Andrews was found GUILTY, yesterday of violating the GAIA Act. So overcome was she with the pressure of fighting hate and transphobia on our behalf, Senator Castillo collapsed immediately after the trial. We are told she rested overnight in a hospital for observation, and she will be making a major announcement on the courthouse steps tonight. Sources close to the senator have hinted that this may finally be the long-awaited announcement of her candidacy for the Democratic nomination for president. You won’t want to miss it! Stay tuned to The Good Morning News for our continuing live coverage from the Andrews Transphobia Trial after these brief messages from our sponsors.”

“Yo, what’s up zoomers? It’s ya’ boy, Zoomcaster, here, and yesterday was a day to remember, let me tell you. The tension was incredible. Suddenly, it wasn’t like some classroom debate. Suddenly, it got way personal. Like two gladiators fighting with all they have, knowing that only one will leave the stadium alive. Then, at the end, when Dr. Andrews was found guilty, and the media was all ready to make an example of him, Acey Buchmann preempted Roxy’s big speech, defied her mother in front of the whole world, and got the judge to marry her and Dr. Andrews. Wow! It was wild! Then, Senator Castillo apparently fainted with shock! I’m glad I was able to see it all myself and share it with you! I’ll be spending my Saturday walking the streets here and gathering reactions before Senator Castillo’s big announcement this evening. Stay tuned, Zoomers! Subscribe and hit the notification bell, so you don't miss a thing!”

“You’re watching the number one conservative videocast in the entire universe,” another videocaster began. “Feelings triumphed over facts as Dr. Andrews was found guilty yesterday, but not before Senator Travis exposed Senator Castillo’s support for chemical castration and gender mutilation surgeries for minors without their parents’ consent. Then, President Buchmann’s daughter cast her own defiant vote for ‘not guilty,’ by tying the knot with Dr. Andrews and upstaging Senator Castillo’s big closing statement.”

“They rejected hate, they rejected transphobia, and this small town rejected transphobe teacher Mike Andrews, finding him guilty of failing to affirm his student,” the British reporter declared. “After heroically fighting to end the hate, Senator Castillo was overcome by exhaustion and collapsed immediately following the trial after schooling Senator Travis on his transphobic questions and hate speech. We are told by sources close to the senator, that she will have an important announcement at a rally this evening.”

“Senator Travis lost his case,” wrote a gray-haired reporter. “It was lost long before he came to this sleepy little town, but it seems to me that he has nevertheless performed a great public service by fighting it to a finish and in a perfectly serious way. Let no one mistake it for comedy, farcical though it may be in all its details. It serves notice on the country that the barbarians are organizing in these forlorn backwaters of the land, led by fanatics, rid of sense, and devoid of conscience. The good citizens of this state, challenging the insanity too timorously and too late, now see their courts converted into indoctrination sessions, their Bill of Rights made a mockery of by their sworn officers of the law, their teachers turned into groomers, and their schools made into strip-tease clubs for drag queen story hours. Other states had better look to their defenses before the barbarians show up at their gates.”

“Rejecting hate and rejecting transphobia,” another reporter declared, “the jury found the notorious transphobe teacher, Mike Andrews, guilty, yesterday. But now, the focus is back on Senator Castillo and how – fresh from this great victory – she will unveil her plan to end hate everywhere tonight. Will this be the big announcement we’ve all been waiting for?”

“Ready for your morning inspiration inhalation? Deep breath in… hold it… and out. The Great Analyzer here with a lesson on cognitive dissonance. Mike Andrews was found guilty, but his supporters claim some kind of a moral victory because, get this, his girlfriend freaked out in front of a courtroom full of people, yesterday, and got the judge to sanction her insanity by marrying the pair. The ‘hurt-feelings hypothesis’ triumphs again. The Great Analyzer predicts that poor Mike Andrews is in for a painful lesson on the dangers of getting involved with women who score too high on the crazy side of the crazy-hot matrix. What’s more, Senator Castillo is about to launch her campaign right on top of Mike Andrews’s incipient train wreck of a relationship, and her speech later today is very likely to propel her straight to the White House. Am I right? Of course, I am. Let me explain.”

“Yes, we saw a repudiation of hate and transphobia in the guilty verdict for the transphobe teacher, Mike Andrews, but my viewers who saw Acey Buchmann’s crazy stunt in court yesterday want to know,” another reporter emoted, “what’s with the strange attraction certain women feel for convicts and felons? We’ll be talking with the author of Women Who Love Felons, who will explain to us how a delusional love based on danger and excitement ultimately leads to heartbreak and disaster.”

“The usual talking heads were thrown completely off their planned talking points,” the Dangerous Tranny observed, “by the indomitable will of a very courageous young lady who defied her mother, stole the limelight from Senator Castillo, and publicly allied herself with the designated monster of the hour, and they’re still struggling to paint Dr. Andrews as the man everyone is required to hate despite the Cinderella-style happy ending of his ordeal. You know, I used to think that only dangerous faggots and trannies could be chaos incarnate – roving agents of mirth, mischief, and danger – throwing monkey wrenches in the establishment’s planned and scripted narrative. Well, let me tell you, Ms. Acey Buchmann, pardon me, Mrs. Acey ANDREWS, you raised the bar for us all in a manner that will be hard for us to match.”

The Dangerous Tranny was unnaturally still, looking off into the distance, his usually hyperactive patter silenced in deep thought. Finally, he turned back to the camera.

“Maybe there’s hope for being straight, after all!”